Why "Just Get Over It" Doesn't Work (And What Actually Helps)
"Just get over it."
As a therapist, I've encountered this phrase countless times. People hear it from friends, family members, or even tell it to themselves. It sounds simple and straightforward. So why doesn't it work?
The Myth of Simply Moving On
Our minds don't process emotional pain like physical injuries. When we break a bone, time and proper care lead to healing. Emotional wounds aren't so linear. Telling someone to "get over" grief, trauma, or depression misunderstands how our minds work.
Neuroscience shows us that emotional experiences create actual neural pathways in our brains. When something painful happens, our amygdala—the brain's threat detector—gets activated and forms a memory circuit with the hippocampus. This circuit stays sensitive to similar situations. It's why a song can instantly transport you back to a breakup, or why certain places trigger anxiety years after a traumatic event.
These neural pathways aren't design flaws—they're survival mechanisms. Our brains evolved to remember threats vividly to protect us from future harm. When someone says "just get over it," they're essentially asking you to override millions of years of evolutionary programming by sheer willpower. It's not just difficult; it fundamentally misunderstands how our brains function. These protective systems don't disappear because we want them to. In fact, fighting against them often strengthens the very neural circuits we're trying to quiet.
The Paradox of Control
Think about this: What happens when I tell you not to think about a purple elephant? Suddenly, there it is – a purple elephant in your mind. Trying to control our thoughts often strengthens them.
The same applies to emotional pain. When we try to "just get over" something, we're attempting to control our internal experience. This creates a struggle that can deepen our suffering.
How ACT Offers a Different Path
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) takes a different approach. Instead of fighting against painful thoughts and feelings, ACT teaches us to make room for them while moving toward what matters.
ACT works through three core processes:
Acceptance: Learning to make space for difficult emotions instead of trying to eliminate them.
Mindful awareness: Developing the ability to notice our thoughts without being consumed by them.
Committed action: Taking steps toward what we value, even while carrying difficult feelings.
What Moving Forward Actually Looks Like
Moving forward doesn't mean leaving pain behind. It means learning to carry it differently. It means building a life of meaning alongside our pain.
I’ve often heard: "The goal isn't to feel better. The goal is to get better at feeling." This means developing a different relationship with our inner experiences – one of openness and compassion rather than control and avoidance.
A More Compassionate Approach
Next time you catch yourself thinking you should "just get over" something, try this instead:
Ask yourself: "If a good friend were going through this, what would I say to them?" Chances are, you wouldn't say "just get over it." You'd likely offer understanding and support.
Give yourself the same compassion you'd offer someone else. Acknowledge that healing isn't about getting over something – it's about growing through it.