The Function of Regret: How to Use Regret Without Letting It Fuel Anxiety or Guilt
If you're a millennial woman navigating anxiety, guilt, or a complicated relationship with your mom, regret may feel like a familiar—sometimes constant—presence in your life.
You might find yourself replaying old conversations, questioning past decisions, or wondering if things could have turned out differently if you had just done more. These thoughts often get louder during major life transitions—getting married, becoming a parent, or stepping into the role of caregiver.
As a therapist in Houston, I specialize in helping women untangle anxiety and guilt rooted in family dynamics, especially mother-daughter relationships. And one thing I often say is this: Regret isn’t always a bad thing. It’s actually trying to tell you something. But that doesn’t mean it always tells the truth—or that it deserves to take the lead in your life.
What Is the Function of Regret?
Regret often gets labeled as something to avoid—like it only exists to punish us. But psychologically, regret serves an important function.
Regret is often an emotional signal that there’s a misalignment between your actions and your values. It shows up when something you did—or didn’t do—doesn’t sit right with your internal compass.
This makes regret a useful messenger. It helps you:
Recognize what really matters to you
Reflect on how you want to show up in relationships
Acknowledge past mistakes and make more intentional choices moving forward
Rather than being proof that you “messed up,” regret can be a doorway to clarity and growth.
What Regret Can Teach You About Your Values
If you look closely at your regret, you’ll usually find it pointing to a value that’s important to you. For example:
If you regret staying silent, you may value honesty, self-expression, or courage
If you regret how you responded in a conflict, it might reflect values like emotional safety or respect
If you regret not ending a relationship sooner, it could point to a value of self-worth or freedom
When you see regret through this lens, it becomes more than emotional pain—it becomes a compass. One that can guide you back to your priorities and help you realign with the person you want to be.
When Regret Becomes Harmful
Not all regret is helpful. It often crosses a line when it turns into:
Endless rumination
Anxiety about making future mistakes
Perfectionism or people-pleasing
Chronic guilt or shame
Instead of helping you learn, regret becomes a tool your inner critic uses to keep you stuck.
This is especially common for women who’ve been raised to take on emotional responsibility for others—whether explicitly or through unspoken family roles. If you were expected to smooth things over, hold the family together, or never disappoint anyone, regret can start to feel like a life sentence rather than a moment for reflection.
When Regret Is Tied to Dysfunctional Family Dynamics
For those who grew up in dysfunctional or emotionally unsafe families, regret can become even more complicated—and even more toxic.
You may have been taught that you were responsible for your parent’s mood or that setting boundaries was selfish. In these environments, regret often isn’t rooted in your real values—it’s rooted in survival. In emotionally abusive dynamics, regret can even be used as a form of control—making you feel bad for saying no, expressing your needs, or asserting your independence.
So when regret shows up, it may not be telling you something useful. It might just be echoing old patterns of guilt and blame. Even in these situations, regret can still become a guide—but only after we've untangled it from guilt and fear that were never yours to carry.
This is the kind of work we can do together in therapy: help you reclaim your sense of self from regret that was never truly yours.
How to Know If Regret Is Helping or Hurting
To tell whether regret is supporting your growth or sabotaging your peace, ask yourself:
Is this regret helping me understand myself—or just making me feel ashamed?
Am I learning something from this—or stuck in a loop I can’t get out of?
Does this regret reflect my values—or someone else’s expectations?
Am I using this to make better choices—or just to punish myself?
When regret leads to insight and change, it's doing its job. When it fuels anxiety, guilt, or shame, it might be time to take a closer look at what's underneath.
Working Through Regret in Therapy
You don’t have to carry regret alone—or let it drive your life.
In therapy, we’ll explore the full story behind your regret—not just what happened, but what it meant to you, where it came from, and what it's still trying to protect.
Together, we’ll work to:
Understand the values behind your regret
Separate regret from guilt, shame, or fear
Break free from family dynamics that feed your self-blame
Build self-compassion and confidence in your decisions
You’re Not Alone in Your Regret—But You Don’t Have to Stay Stuck There
Regret means you’re paying attention. It means you care. It means you’re human.
But it doesn’t have to define you.
With the right support, you can learn to hear what your regret is trying to teach you—and then let it go.
I help millennial women make sense of the anxiety and guilt that come up in difficult mother-daughter relationships—especially around big transitions like marriage, motherhood, or caring for aging parents.
If regret, anxiety, or guilt are keeping you stuck in patterns you’re ready to break, therapy can help you move forward with clarity and compassion.
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